For years, which feels like decades, I have been dragging my kids to see a therapist for the abuse they received both at the end of my marriage all the way you 6 years after my divorce. More often than not, they were very angry that they had to go. What they didn’t realize, is that even when they were madder than hell about having to go and just mean to us for dragging them, it was helping them cope with what life dealt them so far and perhaps laid a path to steer them and be able to handle what experiences may come their way In their future. After the “Murdering” SoongeBob and Shrek, yea they needed to go learn to talk about all this crapola and deal with it. They were so young, this has been trying at times, I have wanted to splat someone myself andI it was not SpongeBob or Shrek that’s for sure!! We had to devise a plan of sorts to help these kids, because their biological father was, I just heard my daddy in my head: “that low down down son of a bitch….” Yes, that bad. These kids are very articulate, they needed something abstract but also very concrete like to process all this. So I come up with this “door” thing, it kinda helped though. I will so my best to explain:
There are so many thought, feelings and emotions swirling around in your head, some good and some bad, and the people or bad things that happened, we got to straighten them out, kinda line them up, take a big hard look at them and walk them to one of the doors in our head, shove them thru the door and lock it behind you, kinda like when you lock the car door or the house door on me….you have to let me in as I stare annoyed at you, but all that other stuff, it’s not really worth the worry of opening up that door over and over again because it’s not your fault, not even a teeny tiny bit.
Now when that door is closed and what is inside decides to stares at you pretending to be nice to you this time you let it out, say NO!! Stick your tongue out, turn and run! Flip them off in there and know it’s not worth the time to look at anymore. Whatever you chose. Lock it so it cannot hurt you ar make you sad again, it is your choice to leave the door closed or open it up. This choice is yours and yours alone
Good god this hasn’t been easy, but I could of not ever forgiven myself if I hadn’t tried. My son was a at the awkward age a preteen goes through and so very confused as to the choices his father made. He had a lot of anger bound up inside him which took time to release. Therapy helped release it in spurts vs a full fledge explosion. My daughter was so young she didn’t quite get all that was really going on, but what she did know is that he raised his hand to her which ultimately made her downright hate that man and also both children became extremely afraid to be alone with him or his mother because they both were alcoholics and could be hit again. They were even locked inside the bedroom and couldn’t go out to use the bathroom before bed because in law and he were getting lit up. Neither she or him noticed one day my youngest “running away” @age 7, my don in tears calling me, then I was panic stricken. Before I could leave to pick them up, he wasted no time in what came next, hitting her. I saw red, plain and simple. Took me all of 15 minutes to drive a 35 minute distance and march right up to that door and demand my crying children. When his mother actually thought she could get in my way, I looked her straight in the eye and told her I’d knock her drunk ass out, I dare you to try and stop my children from leaving her shithole house (it was so filthy) their father started, I simply said: move NOW. From that point on, this particular night holds huge significance:
- My children saw their momma stand up to the big bad wolves and tromp all over them, they weren’t scared anymore
- Each and every decision was mine to choose, not him.
I will remind myself anytime I am doubtful about myself that I accomplished what I needed to. I stood on my own two feet and held my own pretty damn good. Momma’s are pretty damn resourceful finding inner strength you knew did not exist until someone messes with your child. I fought to make each decision mine of what was best for my chosen and myself. I was dating Troy, it is was still new to us so it wasn’t his choice either. I could look to him for advice and support but when it came down to it, decisions were mine to make and I had to stand up to this crapola all by my lonesome. My x husband was doomed at this point. The thing about assholes is that they are so busy being an asshole they just don’t cover their tracks too well. With each drunk he was having, he was giving up his secrets and not even knowing it. The more that came out, the more his lawyer shifted ALL to me. I wanted nothing but my children, full legal custody and to leave the state for good with no legal ramifications”, nothing else. My lawyer added whatever else she knew was fair, maybe pushing the envelope a bit but not because I asked for it. He tried to start acting up one more time. Trying to “demand” of me. Very nicely I spoke with a tone that shot daggers and let him know, “best head over and sign the papers before noon or we are going to court and it all falls down and he may as well kiss my ass because he was getting no where fast talking to me. He would never lay a hand on my kids as long as I could breath” I got what I wanted,, I usually do, I had no doubts really this time either. So this January 2015, so much has changed in so many ways for the better, or the bestest ever! The four of us live on an island, on the beach in a very warm state, and found so much happiness AND my children have been released from therapy because with Troy, their therapist and myself along with these smart kids closing those doors in their minds, they are no longer haunted, or even taunted by the bad memories of their father and his family. We are far, far fr normal but I consider us more of a functioning dysfunctional family with few worries beyond homework being done and the weather. I’ve learned to say and stand by the statement “life is good” I may really say life is exceptionally good these days! Both of these kids, Troy and I feel at ease and the light is able to shine beautifully through the doors, both figuratively and literally. Now We, as a family, get to make our decisions together, we All earned that
We have come a very long way baby, ain’t no stopping us now…