the best friend…

Wasn’t the best Mother’s Day, …that’s not important though…As a momma, they come first.

Tonight she sleeps, first time since Saturday.   At just 12 years old, she’s had her full share of sadness.  God forbid any more on this young girls heart.  She wears her heart on her sleeve, she loves fiercly, as do I, this sometimes weighs heavy on both our hearts.  It is good that she is like me to some extent, she’s stronger than she knows. It’s maybe bad that she is like me as well, we seem to get hung up on our heart strings, ironic these two exist together in both of us. Loving fiercely as a plus and as a fault.  Very  loyal souls, to ourselves and our friends, always a good quality.  However, it’s loyalty to few not all. She also has not learned yet to “let bygones be bygones,” I’m not good at that myself, neither is Troy really.  Maybe for the little stuff but not for the big stuff, “forgive and forget” turns into “throw caution to the wind and remember so it doesn’t happen again”
  There are no doubts that i know she has been protected though.  The thing is, as much as we try and protect our children, there are outside forces that somehow creep their way in and spontaneous combust sometimes.  This is one of those times.  I don’t even know where to start…

I don’t know what I am doing most days, life is chaotic as hell but we do the best we can at any given moment.

  Kids see their momma’s as strength in so many situations in life, I know I draw strength from my momma still and my ass is old.  Our moms are Super Moms that are the best version of Wonder Woman.  Well this Wonder Woman lost the tiara because I feel terrified about what we will be doing today as I take my beautiful child to experience her first true heartache, losing her very close friend to suicide and her first experience with all the raw emotions of death.  This week has been beyond overwhelming for us and particularly hard for her and all the kids in this town.  I know I have hovered over her even by text making sure she is halfway okay despite the circumstances.  

   I’m terrified she’s not, terrified I am not doing this right (how does one know exactly what to do) terrified she will stop talking and keep her anger inside… not one part of this is ideal, oh hell no, it’s far from it.  One thing I can say is that I will continue to prolly bug the crap out of you little lady, continue to say I love you and I do promise not to say I know exactly how you feel because frankly, I don’t, I can’t possibly.   I can, however, stand beside you, take this head on with you and hold you up while you walk through this day, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next….if it takes a year, I will be there for you to lean on and I will carry you the days like today when you feel lost.I will always stand beside you even if I’m terrified because I will always do anything in my power to hold you up, to make this better, to help you make heads or tails of it,  I promise that to you.  and I will even swear to God on Granny’s grave.

I am so very sorry from the bottom of my heart you have your photos and videos and all the wonderful talks to remember Preston, no one could possibly take any of that from you.  He loved you as much as you loved him so we can find comfort in that too.

Today keep your faith, as Chris has been teaching you at Rush, keep the faith that God will help your heart heal my darlin, and I am here to help.  I love you little miss sassafras higher than the moon, stars and sun!!

  The young adults, the teens and the Tweens here have some healing to do, I am hoping that they reach out to each other and their families do as well, so that they can heal in a good way somehow remembering the great times they had together and alone with their friend.  Now is the time the kids really need to pull together.  I saw it tonight with the kids who attend youth group at the church together.  I feel as though my Thing #2 has a great resource from that group and their leaders for support, they comforted me today too i have been so worried about her

I am as fortunate as they come with the group of ladies I belong to.  We watch over each other, support each other, a source of strength, a source of reality as well, no one better to say “get your head out of your ass, stand up and get this done” than the group of women who love and respect each other,  they can bring you back to reality when any of us are way off base, but we stand united together to give each other strength when it’s needed and support like you’ve never seen and each and every day we see it and feel it.

 As I was stressing terribly over my baby’s sadness, these same women just filled my heart to the top!  And tears welling up as well.  I feel like I am surrounded by the most incredible people in this big ole world! The support we all have for each other here, it speaks volumes, truly it does. The support from everyone aided me to make it through today with more confidence that I would be much stronger  than I thought I could muster. This has been an awful feeling seeing her heartache but trying to be strong for her  friends as well.  Such confusion these kids have had all week. .    There came “that” moment today that she finally crumbled, when I saw this right in front of my eyes, there was not one thing that could help right then except her Momma’s hug, the hug that just doesn’t let up or stop until the right time.  Each and every one of us knows that look from our kids, just like our     Momma’s know our “look”

Thank you my friends, for giving me the foundation I needed, I appreciate and love all ya’al and am always here to do exactly the same for you!!

I think her nerves  had calmed a bit.  I think, for what it’s worth, yesterday helped.
Very hard stuff at the funeral.  SO many of his family asked to meet her because he talked about her so much. I think that actually was a good thing, she saw and heard the wonderful things he said about her right from his family,  he loved and adored her I know she felt it, I know I did as well.

Poor baby, she stood very strong for all her friends, she wouldn’t barely look at me either, I knew why. So did she. She knew she would fall apart as soon as she did and  then when she did look at me, at the end of the service,   I saw it coming, she crumbled in my arms, what a heart wrenching moment really.  I truly feel as if right then she actually realized I was there for her and she really saw and felt that I always had been there for her; I was right there waiting for her to see it, to feel it and ready to need me to hold her so she could crumble.

It was actually quite awful, but it played out the best awful way it could.  I hope that makes sense.  

There is no better feeling in this whole world than being a mother, I know too well that my momma is there for me to crumble still to this day, I will never be ashamed to admit that either.  

I will watch, I will hover, and I will continue being what my dad has always said about both my mom and I,  “your momma is a motor mouth, kids you may as well give in to her and talk, she’s not going anywhere anytime soon”  

If you are a mother, I know you understand his meaning, all good mothers do!!  Daddy’s too but that’s a little different, daddy’s raise the roof and take care of business a tad differently. 


6 thoughts on “the best friend…

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    Liked by 1 person

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