“Fly high above the demons in your head”


Fly high my friend


We all must be born and we all must die, it’s starts happy and ends sad. The middle truly is the great stuff, with all the great days and despite the bad days, middle stuffs are fabulous like the stuffs inside a Twinkie. The twinkies of yesteryear not the new and improved yucky ones we have now but the twinkies we had when we were youngins.  Right now, I am in a crash collision with your end and my middle, with no clear path to avoid it, no way to swerve us all to safety and since I am a momma, this is so disturbing.  The thing is, this girl was made to protect, since probably my beginning and especially since our friendship began so many years ago.

I’ve sat to write this for over a month,the first full of anger in Apologies, I can’t help it,  bits and pieces at a time because my heart hurts even mentioning your name right now. I looked back to the last time we talked, you asked for my address again, I told you that you were too sweet to me that I loved you and wanted you to have a wonderful Christmas.  You then wished me happy birthday and reminded me of my age,  29 never gets old babycakes. 😜.  Then New Years came and that’s when you left us starting you journey home


Fast forward 34 years, my god it’s 34??   I think we’ve finally reached puberty my dear friend.  It only took 34 years for you to stop asking to see my boobies.  That is only accurate because you are laying in a hospital bed struggling for your life.  I wish you could ask me for an additional 34 years at this moment, really.  If you were asking still, it would mean you are still with me and not leaving this big rock for the heavens above.  If it meant you would come back to me, I’d round up all the girls who love you and hire our photographer friend to photo shoot all our boobies, including hers.  If it would bring you back to us, we all would do it.

You, a loyal friend, a loving friend, a friend who is always there, always remembered who had your back, the most insanely perverted mind wrapped in a package of the best sass I’ve seen in a man.  Those of us who understand you, have accepted all  that you are, no strings and vice versa.

You, the one who said “I got banned, again” for the 50,291 time, in which I was able to save your ass 50,290 times.  I cannot save your ass this time but what I will do is completely remember all the times you sent sent me a simple thought in a note, a phone call at 3 AM or a text to say hello, or a call out for help from  Sometimes a special package arrived, that just made me smile

I shall cherish my little slice of Detroit. you sent me


I made you a few promises for which I plan to keep for my lifetime because you kept yours to me.  I will watch over your lil sissy, I’m half crazy like you so she will adapt quite well to my shenanigans- she may want to throttle my neck like she wanted to do yours, but she will be okay with that I think because having a big sister will help ease her pain of losing the big brother you are.

I promised to do anything in my power to bring together the women in your life for the benefit of your beautiful children who are too young to lose their daddy.  Now ladies, I have not a real f’ing clue how do to this, but know from the get that I’m as spoiled as it comes when it comes to getting what I want and because he wanted this, then I want it worse because he cannot try now. So, get used to my face, my silly notes and videos because I will reach my goal for the benefit of these babies whom you BOTH love with more than the size of just one heart I know. Take any anger that’s inside and turn it into a gigantic hug for them, it’s not easy I know but they need both of you strong women, it will benefit them 10 fold or more.

Star Wars won’t ever be the same without you, I’ve not ever met a bigger fan than you.  I will forever be thankful that all our friends helped get Anakin to you,  I thank our friend for adopting him since you’ve been in the hospital.  I will always say a prayer on May 4 th bud, may the force be with you and hear my prayer

We will teach MJ to rock the force too!


I am going to make you one last little ginormous promise:  your babies will know you loved them to the moon and back!  Their momma tells them, their grandpa tells them, their aunt tells them,   I shall also tell them, our friends will as well, they are up to the task even while we are all weepy and sad that we are losing you, we all want them to know and not ever doubt that.

You wanted to bring them here to the beach because vacations are tough and expensive most times, you even bought some flip-flops!!  I extend that invitation to their momma, we will cry together  when Jr and MJ see the ocean for the first time thinking of you.  If and when this happens with my new little sister living so close, this invitation is open to her as well and to our favorite English teacher of all time because we love her too

It will not be easy, at first it will seem way too f’ing hard but we will all make it through this, a little scarred, yes but not bitter because we will remember this love we shared for you because it is real.  I maybe should apologize now for my sailors mouth that may show up sometimes not thinking about the words,  or when I get freaky because my dog just killed smurfs again in my kitchen, or the cat picked the chain link lock on my cubbards, then I hear you  say “only you Patty” and laugh til I cry thinking of that.    This makes me madder than hell because you have come so far, God works in mysterious ways I don’t like nor understand doggone it, kind of a lot of fricken fracken boohockey if you ask me.  Even writing that words ” fricken  fracken boohockey” I think of you because you said to me more than once, “What the actual F*** Patty, are you 13 again?”  Well, maybe yes I am sometimes,  I still listen to my parents at this ripe old age,  even if I am fricken fracken old, maybe I have learned to control my sailors tongue: doubtful, I just know my mom will read this… Yea I know “only me Patty”.

My Szabo, always called you that, my Szabo, I will keep my promises, I will continue to love you for always and I look forward to the day we meet again while you are showing God what a handful you are when I arrive and you whisper to him “uh dude, she’s here, you ain’t seen nothing yet, you think I’m a handful, just wait and see this gem walking thru the pearly gates, now the fun begins, that handful you gave her she multiplied by ten with her talents you gave and forgot to give her, and she won’t be wearing shoes…”

I know I’ve said it a million times but add one more my Szabo, I love you Mister.  I feel

honored to have had you grace my life with all the chaos that came with you.  Your friendship added to “my most perfect chaos” so nicely and I won’t ever forget your gift of loyal friendship you gave me over 34 years ago when I told that first boy to “knock it off, don’t be an asshole, leave him alone or I’ll hit you”

So, now I’ve got to dry my tears, pull me up from my boot straps and carry on without you.  I’m going to start by going to buy pork chops for dinner and add biscuits and gravy too, where you’d then tell me “it will bother your stomach ..” To which I will reply “Hush it Szabo!”


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