It’s been a year, seems like it’s been 15 years some days
Feels like just moments ago on others,
There are days where I cannot escape the hole that is in my heart,
it feels like I’m drowning in that hole gasping for my last breath because it’s sadness that is all around me drowning me
I think giving in to it is the only way to stop it at times
Then I think of all the talks we had before you left
Then I remember how you showed me what to do when my mom was going through these exact emotions when granny died
The tenderness, kindness and love you showed her when she felt like she was drowning. The space you gave her to sit and maybe cry, throw a rock at a window or scream to the top of her lungs because she was just so sad. When she reamerged from these moments, and you knew it was absolutely necessary she felt your love right then and there
In one sweeping moment, the light of your life was scooped up, she was completely mortified at first at what the hell was going on but quickly that fear left and the glint in her eye returned as she heard “MY SWEETIE! It’s gonna be alright Mar!” as you about squashed her to death and then you both just giggled as you gave her “noogees” (not a clue how to spell that grammar natzi’s so hush it) and then you laid a big fat giant kiss on her and then we heard a “Jack Pitsenbarger that hurt!” referring to noogees, or maybe a “JACKSON!” all frantic trying to get out of the clutch you had on her.
So many times I’d seen this when she was upset, not mad but upset. You were quite good at the whole scoop and squash with all of us. That protection factor you had was always there to stop the awful feelings from us using the scoop and squash move. The laughter you brought to us so quickly, my god it worked so well, you taught us well, so please know I took it and twisted it with my own and pray it gives my own children that feeling it’s gonna be okay feeling.
It’s hard some days to get to the funny part of these stories, sometimes it is just plain sadness there and all I can do is let the rest of the story play out when it can and be grateful the times it does. Mom calls it “Life on life’s terms”. I hate hearing that in the midst of the sadness because it feels like a crock of shit really. In these moments I have zero desire to hear the logic behind it all.
Today I will take my time, cry, throw a rock or scream to the top of my lungs but I will always remember to try and let the rest of the story play, to find the tenderness, kindness and love and not be so damn hard on my own sadness.
To say I miss you, that crap doesn’t even come close to how I feel, but then there I go remembering those talks… Take your moments, reemerge head up, shoulders back little girl, remember you are the one those kids depend on to help them through these shitty days, act like you got some sense now and go out and do what you gotta do. As I envision that talk, I see you pointing your finger at me, at the “do what you gotta do” part….
So, here I go doing just that