Tag Archives: compassion

‘the keeper’

Sometimes when we read someone else’s words they hit you deep down in your guts directly to your soul, these words did exactly that.  They paused me.  They made me remember my job, “the keeper

I had bracelets made for both my kids, I wear my sons, one day I’ll give it to him but for know I am the keeper of the message “ain’t no mountain high, no valley low” the song I played them so much during a very hard time in our lives, the divorce.  We are years passed that now, however, old wounds die hard and long sometimes so it is just a reminder that through it all, good and bad, they could always count on their keeper

It certainly is the little things that we know to keep this lil sailboat  sailing like a Viking battleship ​

One of our silly videos to fully embraced our motto ​

​http://us.vivavideo.tv/v/zX6gd2sq/1/


 

“I am the keeper.


I am the keeper of schedules. Of practices, games, and lessons. Of projects, parties, and dinners. Of appointments and homework assignments. 


I am the keeper of information. Who needs food 5 minutes before a meltdown occurs and who needs space when he gets angry. Whether there are clean clothes, whether bills are paid, and whether we are out of milk. 


I am the keeper of solutions. Of bandaids and sewing kits and snacks in my purse. But also of emotional balms and metaphorical security blankets. 


I am the keeper of preferences. Of likes and dislikes. Of nightly rituals and food aversions. 


I am the keeper of reminders. To be kind, to pick up their trash, to do their dishes, to do their homework, to hold open doors and write thank you notes.


I am the keeper of rituals and memories. Of pumpkin patches and Easter egg hunts. I am the taker of pictures, the collector of special ornaments, and the writer of letters. 


I am the keeper of emotional security. The repository of comfort, the navigator of bad moods, the holder of secrets and the soother of fears. 


I am the keeper of the peace. The mediator of fights, the arbiter of disputes, the facilitator of language, the handler of differing personalities.


I am the keeper of worry. Theirs and my own. 


I am the keeper of the good and the bad, the big and the small, the beautiful and the hard. 


Most of the time, the weight of these things I keep resembles the upper elements on the periodic table – lighter than air, buoying me with a sense of purpose.


But sometimes the weight of the things I keep pulls me down below the surface until I am kicking and struggling to break the surface and gasp for breath.


Because these things I keep are constantly flickering in the back of my brain, waiting to be forgotten. They scatter my thoughts and keep me awake long past my bedtime.


Because all these things I keep are invisible, intangible. They go unnoticed and unacknowledged until they are missed. They are not graded or peer reviewed or ruled on by a court. And sometimes they are taken for granted. 


My husband and my boys are kind and generous and they love me hard. And this is by far the greatest job I have ever had. But sometimes being the Keeper is exhausting. Because you feel like you’re doing it alone. 


So to all of you who are keepers, I see you. 


I know the weight of the things you keep. 


I know the invisible work you do, which doesn’t come with a pay check or sick leave, is what makes the world go round. 


I see you.


And I salute you.”


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Credit: Lucky Orange Pants

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yea, way down in my guts kinda love! 

Desperately hard week and my brain won’t shut off so I’m not sleeping and I’m tired so when I saw this box in my mailbox, I smiled. I gotta box! From who?  My friend who I just call K (not from MIB either) I’m squirt she’s K, has been always and will always be

The stress of this particular week and this particular day, when I read the words my body simply crumbled to the floor in my kitchen, seriously, so overwhelmed. I heard myself crying like a little kid who lost his dog, made me cry more. Karma eating me alive? Maybe. If that’s what this is, I’d watch out, change your ways because when it hits like it hit me all week.  Poor Troy, hearing that kind of cry he was there in all of 2 seconds and I couldn’t even speak. compounded with losing my dad, my god I’m totally crushed with the events the last week.  I won’t explain them here, it will make a few very very angry and most days I’d take it but I don’t need that extra bullshit right now and neither does Troy

This is the most sincere gift I’ve ever gotten, Patty needed a hero today I couldn’t muster my own this week, Troy tried, but he was confused himself about it all.  I think  God tapped K on the shoulder and said “psst….I think you have a fiend calling to you…”

An hour later I saw his initials engraved on the underside.. crumble

I love it, I think it’s beautiful, it’s on my wrist but forgive me I cannot look at it, it’s there though, I feel it. One day I’ll be able to look, it will help my heart mend a bit with what the words say. 

My God I hope so cuz I can’t take much more.  

K knows this feeling all to well, she lost her dad sometime ago also. I thank her Momma Sue for giving us this beautiful gift, wholeheartedly the kindest person I’ve ever known since I was 15, my friend that I truly love and would try to move heaven and earth if I could when she need me, I stand eternally grateful, loved and blessed by her presence in my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your letter was just so heart felt. I so miss you, when I wrap my head around this, I’ll call. Know this feller Tim is pointing me in the right direction ‘and making sure I’m okay, that my crumbling isn’t all the time. Karen, my friend, you were my hero today, you and that little box!  

There will be a day I will be able to look and cherish it and she knows that wherever she is right now, it’s just not today though, she knows how much my parents mean to me. Well everyone knows I am a sap with it comes to them, I can’t help it, it’s a good thing !

Reality is that I don’t care one bit to agree I’m a daddy’s girl either.  Someone unkind and spiteful called me that once in an extremely derogatory way.   I think it’s a compliment.  My daddy did In fact rock and had his reasons for what he did for me whether I liked it or not, I do know that in my heart, my momma does as well  Also,  what Nana & papa mean to my children I know that, they have always too, They pretty much co-parented with Troy and I There is not bad in any of that, I turned out pretty good whether they see it or not.  Giving love is one thing but walking around with the feeling of love, through words, actions, reactions and just a very clear sense and ability to feel it, that’s something entirely different than merely giving love.  I am  so cheesy and sappy now, I think i always was and didn’t realize it to the full extent

My God, I do not miss Michigan not one bit, but Its moments like these that I truly miss my life long friends. K, you are the most kindest and compassionate person I know, my Dad said the same thing. I’m not all psychic ability aura lady over here by any means, but it these beautiful qualities in you, well they just ooze from you, being around you truly makes people feel good. 

I believe my dad said once or twice that being around you calmed my 20’s, they had potential for major disaster! I thank you from deep within me, way down in my guts kinda thank you and love! What a way with words, eh? Seriously though, everyone says they feel blessed and grateful for friends around them but honestly, whole heartedly, embarrassing awful voice singing Respect over MANY watered down  $1 long islands, I am more grateful and blessed by having you a part of my life as the life long friend I can catch up where we left off, not missing a beat as if its not been 6 years since Ive seen you kinda best friend!   Thank  you so much, I’ll be up to see you soon, we have a lot of birthday dinners to catch up on! Love you my friend always….

 

these are the days we will remember 


The past 6 months have been the most emotionally trying of my life, more so than  the stress of learning to be a good mom, or the emotional breakdown of going through an awful divorce.  Facing mortality is I think the hardest things we have to do in this world, it’s not our own mortality I am talking about although it applies, but rather the mortality of our parents. 


                      They are baby boomers and yes they are retired and growing old, but when health complications arise, staring at you eye to eye, it’s crushing.  There have been God days and extremely bad days and unfortunately with every couple of great days come along, the one bad day kind of stands on your shoulders and transports you back to being a child, their child, daddy’s little girl and a very scared one to boot.  When you see a parents tear, and words they seem so terribly morbid come out of their mouths because they are so very sick, what in the hell do you do?  Well, I can tell you without hesitation, you sit right down on a cold floor holding your fathers hand and pretty much cry like a 6 year old confused as to what is even going on here, at least that’s what I did.  No shame in saying it either


  We are all going to have to do this, so I think it’s best to speak honest and open about it, although I won’t speak about the particulars of my fathers illness because frankly, it’s not the illness I am talking about,  rather the day you realize what any serious illness does, it quite possibly can end a life.  It’s awful, scary as all hell and just about cruel to anyone who has experienced it.  


My dad and I, actually my whole family have a beautiful relationship with each other.  People meet us, they are shocked at how much my family not only loves each other but the fact that we actually really like each other.  I’ve had friends & x boyfriends say “it’s weird, kinda abnormal how much you guys LIKE each other.”  It’s not weird to us at all, isn’t everyone like this? No, sadly, I know many who don’t even like their parents all to well and feel obliged to love them just because it’s their parents, I actually can’t process that!   That is weird to me.


I didn’t say we didn’t argue or disagree on things, we sure do! We are very German and very Irish (not the  cute leprechauns of Dublin more like the IRA folks of Belfast) these two pieces of our family heritage make a great mix for bad tempers.  Most days, we control it! Most days…  

Our Sunday dinners were great avenues for heated debates, plain ole Jane differences of opinion, and yes we do get mad at each other.  However, it’s short lived.  My parents instilled an extremely high value for FAMILY.  No matter what, family always and will forever come first.  Now, we don’t make all newcomers drink the look-aid here and say “our family comes first”. Hell no, my Momma and Dad believed our family is first within our family but would not ever discount anyone else’s love for their own 

 family, this has also been instilled.  Our so ounces or boyfriend/girlfriends family must be respected as well, Jack said so, and we did it and still do.  I think I’m the only 40 something who still listens (most days anyway) to my parents. I must add, up until we have been distanced 1000 miles from our home compound, we had Sunday dinner together as a family most every week from my college days until now.  That’s just how it is here, I’m told we are odd.  Well, yes we are odd who isn’t? however, Sunday dinners are not the reason we are weird or odd, we got plenty of odd without even counting 

that! 


So as my Daddio came home finally after 2 months in the hospital, I stayed with my parents a few days, not to hover but to just help if I could.  Troy and my children were fine with this, I do think they knew I would do this, but just waited for me to decide. 

My Daddio is where all his children’s sarcasm comes from, we all know it too, including my mom.  We actually jokes about how loopey they kept him for a bit there giving his body a chance to work on him.  As we all marveled at how quickly he responded to all he’s been through,  it’s a long road to recovery getting his body strong. 


This whole weekend I thought very seriously  about my children, they barely know their father now after his choices he has made.  I thought of Troy and how he lives out of state from his own parents and his only biological child there is no relationship only anger and rage.  All of the answers to all this morality that is bound to happen at some point, I find alarming and hard to wrap my head around.  I know my children have had family instilled in the them, even if their father didn’t.  I know the same goes for Troy and his aging parents because I see what he does for my own.  I know my children will be there for us all, even if they are in selfish teenager mode, they know what comes first.



I guess I hope that one day my children and Troy’s child come to terms with something here so that they  would have no regrets, and the same for my xhusband and Troy.  Leaving things unsaid or completely disjointed serves no one really, certainly not a positive way to filter through life. I don’t know, maybe I’m off base but I believe it is the healthy thing for our minds to attempt resolution of some sort  


I love my momma & Daddio to pieces, they are the best people & parents in this big ole world!  Here’s to you getting better each day Dad,you deserve it!