I am no different than any other mother out there, it’s a learning process isn’t it? You have no clue what you are actually in for until that first baby lands on you, kinda like hitting a brick wall for me. My older sis never had any children so I had not been around any babies ever really.
BUT the day my son came at 42 and 1/2 weeks of baking, the timer to which I was begging to ring. I wanted to clamor that bell for mercy, to admit defeat, I was beyond miserable being pregnant at that point. I only wanted to get this thing out of me that was playing hackey sack with my appendix!! Then …it was over and I had not one clue in the world what to do!
This day, however, is the day I came to understand my parents in their entirety, for real. It was like an epiphany, no joke. Every decision I ever bitched about, cried about, cheered about, just about everything that happened in my own little life, well it made complete sense. I looked at him and promised him that I will say no, he will get mad-but I won’t care. I completely understood the phrase “no, it’s for your own good.” That would go for yes as well, but we don’t remember all of our own “yes’ from our parents, we remember the big fat ‘No!’. I knew he’d get mad, pout, scream, cry, shout, all of it, but I won’t care because it’s for his own good to do or not do. He may even say he doesn’t like me sometimes, fine & dandy little man, as your momma I am bound to protect you until you are ready for this world!
Protection at all costs, ALL costs, I would give my life. When I got divorced from a man who was mentally and physically abusing and who decided to take his inability to parent out on my daughter, I found strength that i didn’t know existed, it hadn’t existed in me-not quite like that. I kicked into high gear and did all in my power to not ever let it happen again. My kids went thru enough that no other person in this entire world would ever treat them badly, not on my watch, not as long as I’m breathing.
So when I started a new relationship later, well, I laid the cards on the table, upfront , they are first, FIRST not second. Is this understood? Is it crystal clear? Now many men would be all,” yikes, single mother, asshole x & 2 kids? Naw, I’ll pass” but a certain he didn’t high tail it out of there, quite the opposite and now we are a melded family and Troy is the father figure with my own dad chiming in (which I love because he is an awesome guy just like my bae) (yes bae, I did that purposely to annoy me kids) we are perfectly imperfect, dysfunction that functions really on most days anyhow and we are actually a happy hot mess.
By walking in our life, he was subject to losing aspects of his own and it’s really too bad. I have a beautiful loving family and we would do anything for each other, no question. And he would as well, he’s part of us now. I won’t ever quite understand what was before me in his life, but somehow it wasn’t good and that has nothing to do with me or my children. I didn’t cause a divorce, I didn’t make a 20 year marriage miserable for 20 years and neither did my kids. As harsh as it sounds, absolutely none of that is our fault and I refuse to take blame, go on keep trying, I won’t be the scapegoat for anyone. I do know exactly why his kid, who is 10 years older than my oldest and 13 more than my youngest, was less than kind to both myself and my kids. I’m a big girl I can take what’s dealt to me and deal with it. However, the day it crossed to my children, well, momma bear mixed with a lioness and fire ants, I didn’t tolerate that well. Showing disdain towards me is one thing, but to an 8 & 11 year old is one helluva different cup of tea. Now because I was, quite frankly, a complete bitch and wouldn’t stand for these kids to take that, well, we are all hated and somehow usually blamed for anything that we can could possibly be blamed for. The hate for me is so great that their relationship just ended, no ifs ands or buts, it was so very hard on him but he got blamed himself for every part of his own divorce, and unhappiness of others, even though both parties agreed they were miserable, a divorce decision happened way before I was a thought. The weight was placed solely upon him. No matter if both parties were right & wrong in the marriage. Then, enter us three, it made matters worse for him. Then he moved south with me, the pile of hatred for us is now mounting & going to topple with anything else he does or says.
And then it completely collapsed……
Working on 6 years later, it’s still a mess. He’s blamed for craziness, addiction, complete crazy shit, I can’t list it all. I thought, no, I truly hoped & prayed when she had her own children, somehow she would understand that I was protecting my own children from her hatred, the uncalled for behavior towards them, and all the nastiness that my children heard about me, and the outright disdain we all saw and felt when my kids fell in love with their step father, her father. They were little kids then and she was his kid I understand but also an adult child who knew better. Who was taught better and damn well expected better to by everyone else. I know Troy was, in fact, protecting them as well by saying “no more!” There is no contact, there is sadness and hurt on both sides, and irregardless of what anyone may say, I saw it happen and saw both sides at work here. I should say it loudly, won’t make one damn bit of difference but create more hate when I say what choice did he have? I wasn’t intoxicated that night and neither was he, someone else was. Will that make anything different? Help it work out? It’s been a long time now, I would love to say it would end up working out but I don’t think it can, and that is awful. They both are too proud? too angry,? Shall I knock them both off that high horse down to where I am and…and what??? I don’t know! I now know, it’s not my job to even try, whether anyone would ever care to know I did try back then? Oh no, I did, well we see how that worked out. It’s not worth it for me to try, brings way too much drama and lies to sift through for truth. Why would he even want that either? That I feel terrible about that because I see a different person, a completely different person in him. A happy one, not that man in that 20 year marriage. People change, yes, for better and for worse. That’s not what I am referring to though. By removing just one aspect of misery/unhappiness; a marriage, so you can see outside of that which makes you feel badly about yourself, meanness, resentment, whatever negative vibes it gave you, once it’s gone you can see what happy IS! If you can let yourself recognize it, the possibilities are endless really. You must allow yourself to feel it. You find yourself again, the person who you really are explodes out and suddenly you aren’t willing to subject yourself to all that bad juju anymore. Does that make us evil, heathen, self absorbed, unkind, uncaring, and just plain shitty people? No unfortunately it doesn’t. The day I separated from my x husband, my father shook my hand and said “Welcome back”. I hadn’t noticed I was gone, but I had been gone for a long time, I got stifled by another who only fed into the idea I wasn’t worth too much, not to anyone. It simply wasn’t true, I wasn’t worth it to HIM. Maybe that’s what it boils down to, an unhappy couple don’t find worth in each other because they are too busy picking each other apart? Maybe, at least in part. All I know for sure is, he is not that sad, dreary man anymore.
No one can’t help anyone see who we have become, that would be a feeling you’d get seeing our world, because our world now is not anything like the world we were in 5, 10 or even 25 years ago. It’s just too bad really. I wasn’t given a chance here nor were my kids. Not one damn thing I can do about that either, I cannot make anyone see what is In front of them if they won’t look and really see it for themselves. Choices were made though, my choices have been and will mostdefinitky continue to be in the absolute best interest of my kids. So, let’s get the facts straight here, standing up for & protecting my kids is exactly why I am hated. Standing up for myself, is exactly why I am hated. Standing up for him, is exactly why I am hated. I guess at least I know….What was it they say about first impressions? It’s hard to erase that, unfortunately
Post Script: I had a few very close friends read this and I think, T, founder of BadAss Bitches, summed this up quite well… She picked the title too! I absolutely love my girls! And for what it’s worth, I sure hope they find it, is it ever too late TO find it! That’s up to you…..
Your are the diamond in Troy’s rough. He is the Diamond in your kids rough , and he is your diamond too. Even “she” will have to find her diamond in her rough to truly find forgiveness and happiness.
You are a diamond and this is evident in how your kids and family come first. some people can’t see your true intentions are not ill motivated. It is a choice they make. It is not your issue.
Love you girl! You ROCK, Bad Ass Bitches