Tag Archives: healing

‘the keeper’

Sometimes when we read someone else’s words they hit you deep down in your guts directly to your soul, these words did exactly that.  They paused me.  They made me remember my job, “the keeper

I had bracelets made for both my kids, I wear my sons, one day I’ll give it to him but for know I am the keeper of the message “ain’t no mountain high, no valley low” the song I played them so much during a very hard time in our lives, the divorce.  We are years passed that now, however, old wounds die hard and long sometimes so it is just a reminder that through it all, good and bad, they could always count on their keeper

It certainly is the little things that we know to keep this lil sailboat  sailing like a Viking battleship ‚Äč

One of our silly videos to fully embraced our motto ‚Äč

‚Äčhttp://us.vivavideo.tv/v/zX6gd2sq/1/

‚Äč
 

“I am the keeper.


I am the keeper of schedules. Of practices, games, and lessons. Of projects, parties, and dinners. Of appointments and homework assignments. 


I am the keeper of information. Who needs food 5 minutes before a meltdown occurs and who needs space when he gets angry. Whether there are clean clothes, whether bills are paid, and whether we are out of milk. 


I am the keeper of solutions. Of bandaids and sewing kits and snacks in my purse. But also of emotional balms and metaphorical security blankets. 


I am the keeper of preferences. Of likes and dislikes. Of nightly rituals and food aversions. 


I am the keeper of reminders. To be kind, to pick up their trash, to do their dishes, to do their homework, to hold open doors and write thank you notes.


I am the keeper of rituals and memories. Of pumpkin patches and Easter egg hunts. I am the taker of pictures, the collector of special ornaments, and the writer of letters. 


I am the keeper of emotional security. The repository of comfort, the navigator of bad moods, the holder of secrets and the soother of fears. 


I am the keeper of the peace. The mediator of fights, the arbiter of disputes, the facilitator of language, the handler of differing personalities.


I am the keeper of worry. Theirs and my own. 


I am the keeper of the good and the bad, the big and the small, the beautiful and the hard. 


Most of the time, the weight of these things I keep resembles the upper elements on the periodic table – lighter than air, buoying me with a sense of purpose.


But sometimes the weight of the things I keep pulls me down below the surface until I am kicking and struggling to break the surface and gasp for breath.


Because these things I keep are constantly flickering in the back of my brain, waiting to be forgotten. They scatter my thoughts and keep me awake long past my bedtime.


Because all these things I keep are invisible, intangible. They go unnoticed and unacknowledged until they are missed. They are not graded or peer reviewed or ruled on by a court. And sometimes they are taken for granted. 


My husband and my boys are kind and generous and they love me hard. And this is by far the greatest job I have ever had. But sometimes being the Keeper is exhausting. Because you feel like you’re doing it alone. 


So to all of you who are keepers, I see you. 


I know the weight of the things you keep. 


I know the invisible work you do, which doesn’t come with a pay check or sick leave, is what makes the world go round. 


I see you.


And I salute you.”


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Credit: Lucky Orange Pants

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My happy place

My happy place was rained out today, it was the first day of school for Thing #1 & Thing #2, we see all on the verge of crabby because we are all tired.  Everyone is a lot more quiet than usual

I saw the news story on Jimmy Carter,  It matters not if you liked or disliked Jimmy Carter, today his press conference truly showed he is a true statesman and a good man who kept his composure today and is quite satisfied with the life he has had thus far. I truly pray for him and his family that there are still many good days full of lots of love.

And that was enough to just get me…again damn it!

 

i miss my dad
looking to the stars tonight, to simply say i love you
So I went to make myself smile and laugh, this did it, our silliness has a purpose.                Click & see!

fancy seeing you here

 

 

 

the best friend…


Wasn’t the best Mother’s Day, …that’s not important though…As a momma, they come first.

Tonight she sleeps, first time since Saturday. ¬† At just 12 years old, she’s had her full share of sadness. ¬†God forbid any more on this young girls heart. ¬†She wears her heart on her sleeve, she loves fiercly, as do I, this sometimes weighs heavy on both our hearts. ¬†It is good that she is like me to some extent, she’s stronger than she knows. It’s maybe bad that she is like me as well, we seem to get hung up on our heart strings, ironic these two exist together in both of us. Loving fiercely as a plus and as a fault. ¬†Very ¬†loyal souls, to ourselves and our friends, always a good quality. ¬†However, it’s loyalty to few not all. She also has not learned yet to “let bygones be bygones,” I’m not good at that myself, neither is Troy really. ¬†Maybe for the little stuff but not for the big stuff, “forgive and forget” turns into “throw caution to the wind and remember so it doesn’t happen again”
¬†¬†There are no doubts that i know she has been protected though. ¬†The thing is, as much as we try and protect our children, there are outside forces that somehow creep their way in and spontaneous combust sometimes. ¬†This is one of those times. ¬†I don’t even know where to start…

I don’t know what I am doing most days, life is chaotic as hell but we do the best we can at any given moment.

¬†¬†Kids see their momma’s as strength in so many situations in life, I know I draw strength from my momma still and my ass is old. ¬†Our moms are Super Moms that are the best version of Wonder Woman. ¬†Well this Wonder Woman lost the tiara because I feel terrified about what we will be doing today as I take my beautiful child to experience her first true heartache, losing her very close friend to suicide and her first experience with all the raw emotions of death. ¬†This week has been beyond overwhelming for us and particularly hard for her and all the kids in this town. ¬†I know I have hovered over her even by text making sure she is halfway okay despite the circumstances. ¬†

¬†¬†¬†I’m terrified she’s not, terrified I am not doing this right (how does one know exactly what to do) terrified she will stop talking and keep her anger inside… not one part of this is ideal, oh hell no, it’s far from it. ¬†One thing I can say is that I will continue to prolly bug the crap out of you little lady, continue to say I love you and I do promise not to say I know exactly how you feel because frankly, I don’t, I can’t possibly. ¬† I can, however, stand beside you, take this head on with you and hold you up while you walk through this day, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next….if it takes a year, I will be there for you to lean on and I will carry you the days like today when you feel lost.I will always stand beside you even if I’m terrified because I will always do anything in my power to hold you up, to make this better, to help you make heads or tails of it, ¬†I promise that to you. ¬†and I will even swear to God on Granny’s grave.

I am so very sorry from the bottom of my heart you have your photos and videos and all the wonderful talks to remember Preston, no one could possibly take any of that from you.  He loved you as much as you loved him so we can find comfort in that too.

Today keep your faith, as Chris has been teaching you at Rush, keep the faith that God will help your heart heal my darlin, and I am here to help.  I love you little miss sassafras higher than the moon, stars and sun!!

  The young adults, the teens and the Tweens here have some healing to do, I am hoping that they reach out to each other and their families do as well, so that they can heal in a good way somehow remembering the great times they had together and alone with their friend.  Now is the time the kids really need to pull together.  I saw it tonight with the kids who attend youth group at the church together.  I feel as though my Thing #2 has a great resource from that group and their leaders for support, they comforted me today too i have been so worried about her

I am as fortunate as they come with the group of ladies I belong to. ¬†We watch over each other, support each other, a source of strength, a source of reality as well, no one better to say “get your head out of your ass, stand up and get this done” than the group of women who love and respect each other, ¬†they can bring you back to reality when any of us are way off base, but we stand united together to give each other strength when it’s needed and support like you’ve never seen and each and every day we see it and feel it.

¬†As I was stressing terribly over my baby’s sadness, these same women just filled my heart to the top! ¬†And tears welling up as well. ¬†I feel like I am surrounded by the most incredible people in this big ole world! The support we all have for each other here, it speaks volumes, truly it does. The support from everyone aided me to make it through today with more confidence that I would be much stronger ¬†than I thought I could muster. This has been an awful feeling seeing her heartache but trying to be strong for her ¬†friends as well. ¬†Such confusion these kids have had all week. . ¬†¬†¬†There came “that” moment today that she finally crumbled, when I saw this right in front of my eyes, there was not one thing that could help right then except her Momma’s hug, the hug that just doesn’t let up or stop until the right time. ¬†Each and every one of us knows that look from our kids, just like our¬†¬†¬†¬† Momma’s know our “look”

Thank you my friends, for giving me the foundation I needed, I appreciate and love all ya’al and am always here to do exactly the same for you!!

 
I think her nerves ¬†had calmed a bit. ¬†I think, for what it’s worth, yesterday helped.
Very hard stuff at the funeral.  SO many of his family asked to meet her because he talked about her so much. I think that actually was a good thing, she saw and heard the wonderful things he said about her right from his family,  he loved and adored her I know she felt it, I know I did as well.

Poor baby, she stood very strong for all her friends, she wouldn’t barely look at me either, I knew why. So did she. She knew she would fall apart as soon as she did and ¬†then when she did look at me, at the end of the service, ¬† I saw it coming, she crumbled in my arms, what a heart wrenching moment really. ¬†I truly feel as if right then she actually realized I was there for her and she really saw and felt that I always had been there for her; I was right there waiting for her to see it, to feel it and ready to need me to hold her so she could crumble.

It was actually quite awful, but it played out the best awful way it could.  I hope that makes sense.  

There is no better feeling in this whole world than being a mother, I know too well that my momma is there for me to crumble still to this day, I will never be ashamed to admit that either.  

I will watch, I will hover, and I will continue being what my dad has always said about both my mom and I, ¬†“your momma is a motor mouth, kids you may as well give in to her and talk, she’s not going anywhere anytime soon” ¬†


If you are a mother, I know you understand his meaning, all good mothers do!! ¬†Daddy’s too but that’s a little different, daddy’s raise the roof and take care of business a tad differently.¬†

these are the days we will remember 


The past 6 months have been the most emotionally trying of my life, more so than ¬†the stress of learning to be a good mom, or the emotional breakdown of going through an awful divorce. ¬†Facing mortality is I think the hardest things we have to do in this world, it’s not our own mortality I am talking about although it applies, but rather the mortality of our parents.¬†


¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†¬†They are baby boomers and yes they are retired and growing old, but when health complications arise, staring at you eye to eye, it’s crushing. ¬†There have been God days and extremely bad days and unfortunately with every couple of great days come along, the one bad day kind of stands on your shoulders and transports you back to being a child, their child, daddy’s little girl and a very scared one to boot. ¬†When you see a parents tear, and words they seem so terribly morbid come out of their mouths because they are so very sick, what in the hell do you do? ¬†Well, I can tell you without hesitation, you sit right down on a cold floor holding your fathers hand and pretty much cry like a 6 year old confused as to what is even going on here, at least that’s what I did.¬† No shame in saying it either


¬† We are all going to have to do this, so I think it’s best to speak honest and open about it, although I won’t speak about the particulars of my fathers illness because frankly, it’s not the illness I am talking about, ¬†rather the day you realize what any serious illness does, it quite possibly can end a life. ¬†It’s awful, scary as all hell and just about cruel to anyone who has experienced it. ¬†


My dad and I, actually my whole family have a beautiful relationship with each other. ¬†People meet us, they are shocked at how much my family not only loves each other but the fact that we actually really like each other. ¬†I’ve had friends & x boyfriends say “it’s weird, kinda abnormal how much you guys LIKE each other.” ¬†It’s not weird to us at all, isn’t everyone like this? No, sadly, I know many who don’t even like their parents all to well and feel obliged to love them just because it’s their parents, I actually can’t process that! ¬† That is weird to me.


I didn’t say we didn’t argue or disagree on things, we sure do! We are very German and very Irish (not the ¬†cute leprechauns of Dublin more like the IRA folks of Belfast) these two pieces of our family heritage make a great mix for bad tempers. ¬†Most days, we control it! Most days… ¬†

Our Sunday dinners were great avenues for heated debates, plain ole Jane differences of opinion, and yes we do get mad at each other. ¬†However, it’s short lived. ¬†My parents instilled an extremely high value for FAMILY. ¬†No matter what, family always and will forever come first. ¬†Now, we don’t make all newcomers drink the look-aid here and say “our family comes first”. Hell no, my Momma and Dad believed our family is first within our family but would not ever discount anyone else’s love for their own¬†

¬†family, this has also been instilled. ¬†Our so ounces or boyfriend/girlfriends family must be respected as well, Jack said so, and we did it and still do. ¬†I think I’m the only 40 something who still listens (most days anyway) to my parents. I must add, up until we have been distanced 1000 miles from our home compound, we had Sunday dinner together as a family most every week from my college days until now. ¬†That’s just how it is here, I’m told we are odd. ¬†Well, yes we are odd who isn’t? however, Sunday dinners are not the reason we are weird or odd, we got plenty of odd without even counting¬†

that! 


So as my Daddio came home finally after 2 months in the hospital, I stayed with my parents a few days, not to hover but to just help if I could.  Troy and my children were fine with this, I do think they knew I would do this, but just waited for me to decide. 

My Daddio is where all his children’s sarcasm comes from, we all know it too, including my mom. ¬†We actually jokes about how loopey they kept him for a bit there giving his body a chance to work on him. ¬†As we all marveled at how quickly he responded to all he’s been through,¬† it’s a long road to recovery getting his body strong.¬†


This whole weekend I thought very seriously ¬†about my children, they barely know their father now after his choices he has made. ¬†I thought of Troy and how he lives out of state from his own parents and his only biological child there is no relationship only anger and rage. ¬†All of the answers to all this morality that is bound to happen at some point, I find alarming and hard to wrap my head around. ¬†I know my children have had family instilled in the them, even if their father didn’t. ¬†I know the same goes for Troy and his aging parents because I see what he does for my own. ¬†I know my children will be there for us all, even if they are in selfish teenager mode, they know what comes first.



I guess I hope that one day my children and Troy’s child come to terms with something here so that they ¬†would have no regrets, and the same for my xhusband and Troy. ¬†Leaving things unsaid or completely disjointed serves no one really, certainly not a positive way to filter through life. I don’t know, maybe I’m off base but I believe it is the healthy thing for our minds to attempt resolution of some sort ¬†


I love my momma & Daddio to pieces, they are the best people & parents in this big ole world! ¬†Here’s to you getting better each day Dad,you deserve it!¬†¬†