Tag Archives: momma

‘the keeper’

Sometimes when we read someone else’s words they hit you deep down in your guts directly to your soul, these words did exactly that.  They paused me.  They made me remember my job, “the keeper

I had bracelets made for both my kids, I wear my sons, one day I’ll give it to him but for know I am the keeper of the message “ain’t no mountain high, no valley low” the song I played them so much during a very hard time in our lives, the divorce.  We are years passed that now, however, old wounds die hard and long sometimes so it is just a reminder that through it all, good and bad, they could always count on their keeper

It certainly is the little things that we know to keep this lil sailboat  sailing like a Viking battleship ​

One of our silly videos to fully embraced our motto ​



“I am the keeper.

I am the keeper of schedules. Of practices, games, and lessons. Of projects, parties, and dinners. Of appointments and homework assignments. 

I am the keeper of information. Who needs food 5 minutes before a meltdown occurs and who needs space when he gets angry. Whether there are clean clothes, whether bills are paid, and whether we are out of milk. 

I am the keeper of solutions. Of bandaids and sewing kits and snacks in my purse. But also of emotional balms and metaphorical security blankets. 

I am the keeper of preferences. Of likes and dislikes. Of nightly rituals and food aversions. 

I am the keeper of reminders. To be kind, to pick up their trash, to do their dishes, to do their homework, to hold open doors and write thank you notes.

I am the keeper of rituals and memories. Of pumpkin patches and Easter egg hunts. I am the taker of pictures, the collector of special ornaments, and the writer of letters. 

I am the keeper of emotional security. The repository of comfort, the navigator of bad moods, the holder of secrets and the soother of fears. 

I am the keeper of the peace. The mediator of fights, the arbiter of disputes, the facilitator of language, the handler of differing personalities.

I am the keeper of worry. Theirs and my own. 

I am the keeper of the good and the bad, the big and the small, the beautiful and the hard. 

Most of the time, the weight of these things I keep resembles the upper elements on the periodic table – lighter than air, buoying me with a sense of purpose.

But sometimes the weight of the things I keep pulls me down below the surface until I am kicking and struggling to break the surface and gasp for breath.

Because these things I keep are constantly flickering in the back of my brain, waiting to be forgotten. They scatter my thoughts and keep me awake long past my bedtime.

Because all these things I keep are invisible, intangible. They go unnoticed and unacknowledged until they are missed. They are not graded or peer reviewed or ruled on by a court. And sometimes they are taken for granted. 

My husband and my boys are kind and generous and they love me hard. And this is by far the greatest job I have ever had. But sometimes being the Keeper is exhausting. Because you feel like you’re doing it alone. 

So to all of you who are keepers, I see you. 

I know the weight of the things you keep. 

I know the invisible work you do, which doesn’t come with a pay check or sick leave, is what makes the world go round. 

I see you.

And I salute you.”

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Credit: Lucky Orange Pants


Guided tour 

I’ve become a walking zombie, not the zombie that will chase you and want to eat you but rather the one who hasn’t quite figured out that I am a zombie so I am wandering aimlessly because I have no clue what I am suppose to do.  That seems pretty screwy but I’m okay with it, which is a tad scary maybe.  Hell, I’m okay with that too.  Troy is seeing it and addressing it as he grabbs my hand and just leads me, everywhere the past six days.  In Walmart late last night we needed a tail light for the car, he led me to the department but when he let go to look for the bulb, I stopped concentrating on his hand and kinda just forgot why we were even there.  I was a big help

My daddy is in the last stages of his life and unless I’m with my mom, my mind goes somewhere else.  I’ve promised my loving daddy numerous times since Christmas that I will do exactly as he has told me to do and one of these things is to make sure she is okay.  So I am very much on the ball when I am in front of her but when I’m not I’m lost,  Troy has promised a few things also to him and his agenda includes keeping me and my kids and my mom, his job is harder.  Now I know I am two handfuls on any given day, this is proving more difficult than even I expected so I guess I’m about 59 handfuls at the moment.

Tonightc my son asked to see him, after doctors update and a debate or two that aren’t really worth mentioning,  I took him.  Another person, thought my kid would just be happy as a lark to be accompanied by her, but when it got down to it, only mommy would do.  Afterward, both of us, just so sad and so tearful, I grabbed my child’s hand, as I did when he was two, I saw the look in his eyes, he wanted to just bolt away from that room.  He towers over me but I was able to slow his pace to one my shrimpy legs could keep up with.  Put my arms around him at the elevators and promised we’d be okay, I’d make sure he and his sister were okay and Troy would make sure we were okay.  As we both gathered ourselves he says to me, “we need to make sure Nana’s okay too.”    Right after I make sure you are okay I thought.

Then as we saw Troy standing waiting for us, his passed picked ip as if he thought he could actually make it past Troy.  I saw his one arm reach around and grab my son,  pull him to him just as I reached him where his other arm grabbed me and I crumbled to tears, my knees shaking….  Troy was keeping his promise Dad, I love you and will see you tomorrow…..

Part II tomorrow perhaps…

The part where we snuck back in with the Dominios pizza delivery dude so Thing 1, Thing 2, Troy and I could spend a moment with their papa, my daddy and a respected friend

Momma Mia! 

It  isn’t until you give birth to your first child that you realize exactly what being a mother means.  The first time you see your child, your heart melts, suddenly you have a deeper understand your own mother, it is an epiphany landing smack dab in your face like a Banana Creme  pie and you don’t know what hit you.  In front of you this tiny child you created helps you to relate to your mom  in ways you never imagined.  All those reasons she always said “no you cannot go do that” and why she convinced you Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny were real,  why she said you don’t play with matches and why you must wear a life jacket, why she gave you a curfew and why she stuck to that curfew no matter how much you begged her to extend it, from day one you completely understand what the protect instinct actually is, and putting yourself last on that totem pole becomes normalcy.
It is rather crazy how much you realize all the things your Momma has  taught you since day one.   How you have always felt safe and so loved unconditionally.

My mom is as special as they come. There is not anyone who I have known in my lifetime, thus far, has every had ill will or thought anything negative about either of my parents. They are very much respected and very well  liked  by so many in my hometown.  My mom is smart as a tack too, not just educated smart.  Working in her field of Social Work, I cannot tell you exactly how any people she has helped, many of my own friends as well.  She created a home that every kid was welcome in.  She preferred kids came over our house so she was keeping an eye on her own kids!  Clever mommy who knew just about everything about kids in town,

I can say she was tough at times and a pushover as well.

Yes, my mom has called me by my first, middle & last name, more than once, it rolled out well from her mouth and stopped us dead in our tracks  just like it works for every other mother in this world.  She’s wanted to throttle my neck, whatever that actually means, she’s said it.  “do I have to get a switch?”  Holy crao no you don’t need to get a switch!!   I’ve never seen a switch in action, but my parents stories scarred the mortal hell out of me since I was 4!!  No damn switches!! 


So yes, we had ‘bad kid’ moments but overall we all were good kids.  When it comes right down to it all, honesty, I should thank my Momma for raising us right. My own children should as well.  They should be happy as la lark that I’ve not ever said “do I need to get a switch?” Scariest sentences in this whole wide world!!

my momma is better than yours    😜

Yep, I forgot that too…

We were talking the other day, Troy and I, on how forgetful I am and after watching Still Alice, I kinda got nervous.  I guess I could get ALS, I don’t know if I would want that test really.  If I do or I don’t, is immaterial as far as this blog goes because I simply have too many things juggling in the air on any given day to remember anything at all let alone the important stuff.   Being scatterbrained  and overwhelmed doesn’t help my organizational skills here.  
For example, trying to get myself together after a restless night sleep worrying about my parents, and about some person named  Joe,  yesterday who went batty on facebook saying he could open fire on his X Carrie & envisioning his daughter Diann escaping they a window to be rid of these crazies she has as parents.  Joe vs Carrie, that was disturbing and in my dream!   Nine times out of ten, I am behind when I wake up most days from lack of sleep.  So I am trying to hurry, changing my clothes & packing a bag to maybe stay with my parents for a few days since my dad came home, looking for socks, I can’t find any!   The whole 3 pairs of socks I own are missing conpletly and one is  missing the left one so I have to borrow my daughters and she will gripe at me after school when she sees my wearing her socks that  I bought, then before I’ve found her socks to put on my feet, Dog#1 now thinks the continual barking will get him fed anytime he wants while my cat gets into not the Lays potato chip bag this time, but the black bean tortilla chips, why? Who in the hell knows why!  His food bowl is full but won’t leave the bag alone until I fill his bowl (that I just kind of shake a little to prove to the cat it’s full) damn cat!  But wait, the 3 other cats now hear that food shaking like I did it holding a megaphone so now I’ve gotta feed the other three, one of which we found and I cannot bear to just dump at a shelter because she’s too sweet,  as Dog#2 is barking like a seal and is now sounding very hoarse because Dog#1 is still barking all shrill and dog #2 MUST be a part of the action of course.   They have to pee, or do they need food?  Hell if I know.  I’d say both, maybe.  And then I leave the laundry room with NO socks probably for the millionth time. 
All of that happens very quickly and some days it’s quite irritating because it doesn’t stop there, it’s like a bad version of Groundhog Day, except the same thing doesn’t happen over and over again.  My fabulous luck hands me the most off the wall situations like I’ve not seen before. I can’t make my life up!  When people are around me more than a day, they see it and shake their heads saying “she does have a knack for strange, she’s not insane but this shit is funny.”  Gee,  thanks guys!  I warned you.!   It is continuous and bizarre and downright funny and infuriating as hell some days. From dogs eating blue cake mix making it appear as though a smurf was murdeted in my kitchen, to eating a whole box of twinkies and  a whole box of Ho-Ho’s even with the wrappers, to me taking my kids roller skating  when they don’t know how to roller skate and use not my body or my hands to try and not fall but use my jeans.  Flailing their arms  and with a death grip forbidding on for  dear life onto my jeans and then the button pops off and yes there goes my pants! And they were too big to begin with..bu-bye Los pantelones!   I don’t know if it’s a blessing or curse I don’t wear grannyike undies.  Who am I kidding, any kind is equalling embarrassing, I guess I’m glad I’m so used to being me because I am rarely embarrassed now. 
It’s not just the bizarre stuff I also have a knack for getting hurt, but in really weird ways.  At my parents pool (when I took my dogs over there because I had some work being done at my house)  I dive in the pool and swim back to the deck to stand up and catch my Rottweiler as she jumped in ON TOP of me slicing my eye open with her claw, no one was home.   I was shaking uncontrollably driving to my house where my dad was, bleeding profusely while wrapped in a yellow towel as he took me to the hospital in my bikini.  Or taking my dog out on an early Saturday morning to find the dew made the stairs outside slippery, realizing this as I slid into the railing knocking 2 pickets of the fence to fall from the second story but the other pickets in the fence not giving way and saving my life I think, I did have pieces of wood gouged into my leg in a few places, off to the ER we go…  It’s rarely minor, my preference is to go big always…not 
I can’t exactly blame my dog for everything now can I?  Every dog I’ve ever owned?   They have done plenty but not all.  My kids aid in how much I am juggling on any given moment of any given day.  I don’t know how people with more than 2 kids survive!! And if you only have one child, oh just hush it!  I am a butcher, baker, seamstress who can’t sew, a carpenter, a doctor, a vet, a psychologist like “Dear Abby..” As my kids as my kids ask “Aby who?”, a teacher, mechanic, a judge, a jury, a chef, engineer of all household items which includes being a plumber, an exterminator, and don’t forget the candlestick maker, God forbid I must understand how to do that too!  
What I am, is a Mom, just like my Mom, the one piece of the puzzle that is required, that holds the whole shebang together even if we think we are a mom who oozes disaster, we aren’t.   Most of us are doing just fine.  Maybe listen to “Billy’s mom” or the talkative mom at play dates, we are all overwhelmed even if they don’t ever say it.  Admittedly, my life. is a little screwy some days because a lot is going on but who isn’t just a tad hectic a times? No one
Take me on vacation, I could probably pack the kids stuff, Troy’s stuff and half my house into 3 suitcases somehow and not forget anything.  Modify that:  I wouldn’t forget to pack all of their stuff but I always forget to pack my things, 2 things in particular  I always need to buy on any vacation anywhere I go since having kids: socks and undies.  I don’t forget my bikini, my bras, shorts, extra toothbrushes, my pajamas because I don’t own any because  I’d much prefer one of Troy’s t-shirts that he’s had on a little while so it smells like him anyhow  (I’ve done that since I first started seriously dating him, the shirt doesn’t matter which it is, I could care less as long as it has had him in it, that’s how I sleep best!). as for the unmentionables, aka undies,  every vacation I’ve taken since I had children, that’s the one item I forget.  No matter how many times I try and remind myself, I forget.  I have had to find some sort of store in every city that sells halfway decent undies!  Just a little embarrassing when I say I MUST go to the store and regret having to tell you why because I hear a “but I reminded you..” So I have to shop  as soon as I arrive everytime I go to, let’s say Troy’s parents house, or a condo in a ski resort, stop at Walmart or Target please…yes I forgot them again, the curse lives.  Maybe Troy should pack my stuff?  
So, my life is batty as hell but I wouldn’t change a damn thing when it gets right down to it, I wouldn’t know what to do!   It is the most difficult but easiest job I know.  It can be instantly gratifying or instantly heartbreaking, and I will at least try and be up to the task daily, probably with no socks on but that’s okay I suppose, just find me a cheap store wherever you take me Troy, there will be missing socks and forgotten underwear to replenish even if i replenished last month!!  Apologies again…    
Somedays that photo is completely accurate, maybe the day it was taken it was true, look at Thing 2 in the background!  And no, I don’t know exactly why Troy’s eyes are covered with the hat, he’s as odd & weird as I am, a perfect “pair”.  ((Giggling)) 
Can you guess what I forgot when I stayed with my parents?  It wasn’t my tooth brush or a pair of socks…! 

Diamond in the Rough 

I am no different than any other mother out there, it’s a learning process isn’t it?  You have no clue what you are actually in  for until that first baby lands on you, kinda like hitting a brick wall for me.  My older sis never had any children so I had not been around any babies ever really.

BUT the day my son came at 42 and 1/2 weeks of baking,  the timer to which I was begging to ring.  I wanted to clamor that bell for mercy, to admit defeat,  I was beyond miserable being pregnant at that point.  I only wanted to get this thing out of me that was playing hackey sack with my appendix!!  Then …it was over and I had not one clue in the world what to do!

This day, however, is the day I came to understand my parents in their entirety, for real.  It was like an epiphany, no joke. Every decision I ever bitched about, cried about,  cheered about, just about everything that happened in my own little life, well it made complete sense.  I looked at him and promised him that I will say no, he will get mad-but I won’t care.  I completely understood the phrase “no, it’s for your own good.”  That would go for yes as well, but we don’t remember all of our own “yes’ from our parents, we remember the big fat ‘No!’.  I knew he’d get mad, pout, scream, cry, shout, all of it, but I won’t care because it’s for his own good to do or not do.  He may even say he doesn’t like me sometimes, fine & dandy little man, as your momma I am bound to protect you until you are ready for this world!

Protection at all costs, ALL costs, I would give my life. When I got divorced from a man who was mentally and physically abusing and  who decided to take his inability to parent out on my daughter, I found strength that i didn’t know existed, it hadn’t existed in me-not quite like that.  I kicked into high gear and did all in my power to not ever let it happen again.  My kids went thru enough that no other person in this entire world would ever treat them badly, not on my watch, not as long as I’m breathing.

So when I started a new relationship later, well, I laid the cards on the table, upfront , they are first, FIRST not second. Is this understood? Is it crystal clear?  Now many men would be all,” yikes, single mother, asshole x & 2 kids? Naw, I’ll pass”  but a certain he didn’t high tail it out of there,  quite the opposite and now we are a melded family and Troy is the father figure with my own dad chiming in (which I love because he is an awesome guy just like my bae)  (yes bae, I did that purposely to annoy me kids) we are perfectly imperfect, dysfunction that functions really on most days anyhow and we are actually a happy hot mess.

By walking in our life, he was subject to losing aspects of his own and it’s really too bad.  I have a beautiful loving family and we would do anything for each other, no question.  And he would as well, he’s part of us now. I won’t ever quite understand what was before me in his life, but somehow it wasn’t good and that has nothing to do with me or my children.  I didn’t cause a divorce, I didn’t make a 20 year marriage miserable for 20 years and neither did my kids.  As harsh as it sounds, absolutely none of that is our fault and I refuse to take blame, go on keep trying, I won’t be the scapegoat for anyone.   I do know exactly why his kid, who is 10 years older than my oldest  and 13 more than my youngest, was less than kind to both myself and my kids.  I’m a big girl I can take what’s dealt to me and deal with it. However, the day it crossed to my children,  well, momma bear mixed with a lioness and fire ants, I didn’t  tolerate that well.  Showing disdain  towards me is one thing, but to an 8 & 11 year old is one helluva different cup of tea.  Now because I was, quite frankly, a complete bitch and wouldn’t stand for these kids to take that, well, we are all hated and somehow usually blamed for anything that  we can could possibly  be blamed for.  The hate for me is so great that their relationship just ended, no ifs ands or buts, it was so very hard on him but he got blamed himself for every part of his own divorce, and unhappiness of others, even though both parties  agreed they were miserable, a divorce decision happened way before I was a thought.  The weight was placed solely upon him. No matter if both parties were right & wrong in the marriage.  Then, enter us three, it made matters worse for him.  Then he moved south with me, the pile  of hatred  for us is now mounting & going  to topple with anything else he does or says.

And then it completely collapsed……

Working on 6 years later, it’s still a mess.  He’s blamed for craziness, addiction, complete crazy shit, I can’t list it all.   I thought, no, I truly hoped  & prayed when she had her own children, somehow she would understand that I was protecting my own children from her hatred, the uncalled for behavior towards them, and all the nastiness that my children heard about me, and the outright disdain we all saw and felt when my kids fell in love with their step father, her father.   They were little kids then and she was his kid I understand but also an adult child who knew better. Who was taught better and damn well expected better to by everyone else. I know Troy was, in fact,  protecting them as well by saying “no more!”  There is no contact, there is sadness and hurt on both sides, and irregardless of what anyone may say, I saw it happen and saw both sides at work here.  I should say it loudly, won’t make one damn bit of difference but create more hate when I say what choice did he have?  I wasn’t intoxicated that night and neither was he, someone else was.  Will that make anything different?  Help  it work out?  It’s been a long time now, I would love to say it would end up working out but I don’t think it can, and that is awful.  They both are too proud? too angry,?  Shall I knock them both off that high horse down to where I am and…and what???   I don’t know!  I now know, it’s not my job to even try, whether anyone would ever care to know I did try back then?  Oh no, I did, well we see how that worked out. It’s not worth it for me to try, brings way too much drama and lies to sift through for truth.  Why would he even want that either?   That I feel terrible about that because I see a different person, a completely different person in him.  A happy one, not that man in that 20 year marriage.  People change, yes, for better and for worse.  That’s not what I am referring to though.  By removing just one aspect of misery/unhappiness; a marriage, so you can see outside of that which makes you feel badly about yourself, meanness, resentment, whatever negative vibes it gave you, once it’s gone you can see what happy IS!  If you can let yourself recognize it, the possibilities are endless really.  You must allow yourself to feel it.  You find yourself again, the person who you really are explodes out and suddenly you aren’t willing to subject yourself to all that bad juju anymore.  Does that make us evil, heathen, self absorbed, unkind, uncaring, and just plain shitty people?  No unfortunately it doesn’t.  The day I separated from my x husband, my father shook my hand and said “Welcome back”. I hadn’t noticed I was gone, but I had been gone for a long time, I got stifled by another who only  fed into the idea  I wasn’t worth too much, not to anyone.  It simply wasn’t true, I wasn’t worth it to HIM.  Maybe that’s what it boils down to, an unhappy couple don’t find worth in each other because they are too busy picking each other apart?  Maybe, at least in part.  All I know for sure is, he is not that sad, dreary man anymore.

No one can’t help anyone see who we have become, that would be a feeling you’d get seeing our world, because our world now is not anything like the world we were in 5, 10 or even 25 years ago.  It’s just too bad really.  I wasn’t given a chance here nor were my kids. Not one damn thing I can do about that either, I cannot make anyone see what is In front of them if they won’t look and really see it for themselves.  Choices were made though, my choices have been and will mostdefinitky  continue to be in the absolute best interest of my kids.  So, let’s get the facts straight here,  standing up for & protecting my kids is exactly why I am hated.  Standing up for myself, is exactly why I am hated.  Standing up for him, is exactly why I am hated.  I guess at least I know….What was it they say about first impressions?  It’s hard to erase that, unfortunately

Post Script:  I had a few very close friends read this  and I think,  T, founder of BadAss Bitches, summed this up quite well… She picked the title too!  I absolutely love my girls! And for what it’s worth, I sure hope they find it, is it ever too late TO find it!  That’s up to you…..

 Your are the diamond in Troy’s rough.  He is the Diamond in your kids rough , and he is your diamond too.  Even “she” will have to find her diamond in her rough to truly find forgiveness and happiness.

You are a diamond and this is evident in how your kids and family come first.  some people can’t see your true intentions are not ill motivated.  It is a choice they make.  It is not your issue.

Love you girl!  You ROCK, Bad Ass Bitches