Tag Archives: strength

‘the keeper’

Sometimes when we read someone else’s words they hit you deep down in your guts directly to your soul, these words did exactly that.  They paused me.  They made me remember my job, “the keeper

I had bracelets made for both my kids, I wear my sons, one day I’ll give it to him but for know I am the keeper of the message “ain’t no mountain high, no valley low” the song I played them so much during a very hard time in our lives, the divorce.  We are years passed that now, however, old wounds die hard and long sometimes so it is just a reminder that through it all, good and bad, they could always count on their keeper

It certainly is the little things that we know to keep this lil sailboat  sailing like a Viking battleship ​

One of our silly videos to fully embraced our motto ​

​http://us.vivavideo.tv/v/zX6gd2sq/1/


 

“I am the keeper.


I am the keeper of schedules. Of practices, games, and lessons. Of projects, parties, and dinners. Of appointments and homework assignments. 


I am the keeper of information. Who needs food 5 minutes before a meltdown occurs and who needs space when he gets angry. Whether there are clean clothes, whether bills are paid, and whether we are out of milk. 


I am the keeper of solutions. Of bandaids and sewing kits and snacks in my purse. But also of emotional balms and metaphorical security blankets. 


I am the keeper of preferences. Of likes and dislikes. Of nightly rituals and food aversions. 


I am the keeper of reminders. To be kind, to pick up their trash, to do their dishes, to do their homework, to hold open doors and write thank you notes.


I am the keeper of rituals and memories. Of pumpkin patches and Easter egg hunts. I am the taker of pictures, the collector of special ornaments, and the writer of letters. 


I am the keeper of emotional security. The repository of comfort, the navigator of bad moods, the holder of secrets and the soother of fears. 


I am the keeper of the peace. The mediator of fights, the arbiter of disputes, the facilitator of language, the handler of differing personalities.


I am the keeper of worry. Theirs and my own. 


I am the keeper of the good and the bad, the big and the small, the beautiful and the hard. 


Most of the time, the weight of these things I keep resembles the upper elements on the periodic table – lighter than air, buoying me with a sense of purpose.


But sometimes the weight of the things I keep pulls me down below the surface until I am kicking and struggling to break the surface and gasp for breath.


Because these things I keep are constantly flickering in the back of my brain, waiting to be forgotten. They scatter my thoughts and keep me awake long past my bedtime.


Because all these things I keep are invisible, intangible. They go unnoticed and unacknowledged until they are missed. They are not graded or peer reviewed or ruled on by a court. And sometimes they are taken for granted. 


My husband and my boys are kind and generous and they love me hard. And this is by far the greatest job I have ever had. But sometimes being the Keeper is exhausting. Because you feel like you’re doing it alone. 


So to all of you who are keepers, I see you. 


I know the weight of the things you keep. 


I know the invisible work you do, which doesn’t come with a pay check or sick leave, is what makes the world go round. 


I see you.


And I salute you.”


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Credit: Lucky Orange Pants

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John 14:27 New King James Version (NKJV)

27: “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

God gave me a little oomph today by making every tree bloom around me in my yard as I prepare my mind, and my children for this,  I just know my Granny whispered in his ear to lete know this is okay because as I stood to snap this picture and many more, a little Cardinal had a little visit to me and flowed me around my yard and my kitty, Kip didn’t try to eat it.   Thank you very much Kip… Thank you granny, I love and miss you desperately, please welcome my daddy, he loves and misses you too, show him the ropes please and watch over our family during this transition and I shall meet you there one day

I feel a strong sense of peace and love amongst there uncontrollable tears streaming down my face…

Guided tour 

I’ve become a walking zombie, not the zombie that will chase you and want to eat you but rather the one who hasn’t quite figured out that I am a zombie so I am wandering aimlessly because I have no clue what I am suppose to do.  That seems pretty screwy but I’m okay with it, which is a tad scary maybe.  Hell, I’m okay with that too.  Troy is seeing it and addressing it as he grabbs my hand and just leads me, everywhere the past six days.  In Walmart late last night we needed a tail light for the car, he led me to the department but when he let go to look for the bulb, I stopped concentrating on his hand and kinda just forgot why we were even there.  I was a big help

My daddy is in the last stages of his life and unless I’m with my mom, my mind goes somewhere else.  I’ve promised my loving daddy numerous times since Christmas that I will do exactly as he has told me to do and one of these things is to make sure she is okay.  So I am very much on the ball when I am in front of her but when I’m not I’m lost,  Troy has promised a few things also to him and his agenda includes keeping me and my kids and my mom, his job is harder.  Now I know I am two handfuls on any given day, this is proving more difficult than even I expected so I guess I’m about 59 handfuls at the moment.


Tonightc my son asked to see him, after doctors update and a debate or two that aren’t really worth mentioning,  I took him.  Another person, thought my kid would just be happy as a lark to be accompanied by her, but when it got down to it, only mommy would do.  Afterward, both of us, just so sad and so tearful, I grabbed my child’s hand, as I did when he was two, I saw the look in his eyes, he wanted to just bolt away from that room.  He towers over me but I was able to slow his pace to one my shrimpy legs could keep up with.  Put my arms around him at the elevators and promised we’d be okay, I’d make sure he and his sister were okay and Troy would make sure we were okay.  As we both gathered ourselves he says to me, “we need to make sure Nana’s okay too.”    Right after I make sure you are okay I thought.

Then as we saw Troy standing waiting for us, his passed picked ip as if he thought he could actually make it past Troy.  I saw his one arm reach around and grab my son,  pull him to him just as I reached him where his other arm grabbed me and I crumbled to tears, my knees shaking….  Troy was keeping his promise Dad, I love you and will see you tomorrow…..

Part II tomorrow perhaps…

The part where we snuck back in with the Dominios pizza delivery dude so Thing 1, Thing 2, Troy and I could spend a moment with their papa, my daddy and a respected friend

As I sit in the hospital, mortality becomes pretty fricken fracken up close and personal to me, like it hits you smack dab in the face kind of personal. Whatever comes my way, the one thing I know beyond all other things is that i  can count on my family through thick and thin, the unconditional love we share,  we’ve had the tough talks along with the hilarious ones, we know where each of us stands together and with each othe no regrets, hard feelings and no anger with each other.

The only real message I can even convey right now is this:   

Make peace with people in your life instead of putting it off for one reason and only one reason,

We do not know how long our life  times  left or how long anyone else’s has left, make peace because you will live to regret your waiting because  one day, tomorrow or next week or next month they may not be in this world any longer and living with that regret will not be easy. Regret could become your best friend and will only cause pain in the future

The hospital again, it is what it is, I’m heartbroken beyond words….   I have had an outpouring of love, prayers and strength from each and every one of my friends, my parents and my siblings  friends since childhood , colleagues  of my family, now all the politicians from home are even sending my family messages through me.  It’s beyond overwhelming, these messages are coming by texts, through facebook and PM, Twitter, Instagram , through WordPress and through email, phonecalls, I can’t read them all and I can’t bear answering my telephone that won’t stop ringing and beeping at the moment.  This is all I had left last night:

I really need to thank each and every one of you for prayers, well wishes and respect to me & my family, you have no idea what it means to us all.

I couldn’t bring myself to actually read them all tonight and I apologize for that and I will read each and every one, I am overwhelmed at the out pour all over our facebook walls, private messages and text messages in the past 24 hours, the unanswered phone calls,  my cup truly runnith over, and helped my heart rest a tad easier tonight, and of course you know me, I needed to end this awful day with just a tiny laugh to lighten the load …

My dad is resting well and more stable when my mom called to check a little bit ago, tomorrow we will have a few more answers here to give. Thank you again for the prayer attack it most certainly helps us to keep the faith here, I sure feel blessed to have all you crazy folk and not as crazy folk as a part of our world

Make peace so that you aren’t just left alone when your loved ones are suddenly gone

Who is in your lifeboat? 

 

Do not enter without a signed invitation and  permission slip, we reserve the right to remove violators, and  we shall do just that …

A little extreme? Maybe so, but as I stated, it’s MY life not yours, the judging means nothing to me I will not let it any longer mean anything to me and my family, nope  the possibility and probability of that are and will remain 0% as long as I breathe.

My graduate statistics and psychology prof Easto would have me draw you a chart and throw numbers into some fancy shmancy  equation to prove my wacky theory I got going here and the 0% I’m throwing out there, should actually have   +\~ 5%  normal margin of error in most cases. Blah blah blah…

I could do exactly what Easto taught me, I know how, the statistics of this scenario would give you the possibilities of what can happen while the probability is the likelihood of it actually happening. All variables are  measured  and calculated.  Now, if that math mumbo jumbo doesn’t make any sense, I  sure can make it worse by adding fixed variable, factors, control groups, placebos, the list goes on and on. One way analysis of the variance, two way analysis of the variances or how about just MY way of analysis? Works for me!   I can break it way down to address the big, fat, and giant hippopotamus in the room, but I’m not going to. Perhaps in my next lifetime, but not now. I tried once already and that one got blown to smithereens, not bloody likely that  I will be  doing that ever again.   This  truly comes down to this: the things you may want factored into my life, my answer is “No thank you, I’m not doing that, these are my life choices and you don’t get to vote, no opinion, no preference, not one damn thing I don’t want factored in shall be factored in, simple enough, the answer is an emphatic NO!”   

 If all that up there mskes no sense, either take a stats class, create your own theory and prove it  or just accept that fact that you aren’t part of any calculation over here.  The bridge ain’t burnt, the bridge just sailed away and is gone at this juncture.  Not one of us will stand to be crucified by the likes of you. There is no rebuilding being done, I’m all set over here. I have no chips for that hand any longer. aces high, GAME OVER   We make decisions individually and as a family over here and that doesn’t include you, you are not family by anyone’s standards, you aren’t even a friend, not by any means.  How can I dare stand and say these things?  Gosh,  I’m just super mean, out for vengeance and a vindictive bitch you say? Is that it? All ya got? All done now??  Ok, got it, whatever you say fruity pebble, next question… What else do you need an answer to?  Shit,  I got plenty of answers for any question anyone poses. You may not like the answers too much,  so prepare yourself or don’t even ask.  Like I said, my life…I choose what’s in it and the bitch you say you see, welp honey, you created that fine hot mess for yourself so just deal with it or move the fuck along


Taking time to look back at all of it, Uh, damn straight it was well worth it. I didn’t ever really need to be convinced of that either, not then,and sure as hell not now. However, I shall not thank anyone for dragging me thru hell, that wasn’t fun at all.  What it did show me is that I was strong enough to persevere through all this bullshit and fight my way out with my family intact,  with us all stronger than ever.  We continue to do so daily because you just gotta do what you gotta do sometimes and get shit done for yourself.  I accidentally maliciously dumped your opinions of me and my beautiful family in the garbage disposal, whoopsy!   I’m no stranger to working hard for what I want, that builds character my daddy says that all the time. I’m spoiled rotten?   Why yes,  I do get exactly what I want, but so do those around me, I figure you say it’s all materialist, of course you would, you don’t know me.  Spoiled rotten I be!! Spoiled rotten with love, kindness, respect and understanding  And a few materialistic things as well but not many.  You say I am “Daddy’s little girl” trying to insult me??  Well hell yes I am a “daddy’s little girl” That is far from an insult because my Dad simply rocks and anyone who knows him agrees.  So again, apparently you don’t know anything about me or my family.     My daddy also says we get to call the shots in our own life, not one person should be allowed to do that for you.  Many will try and if you let them, the repercussions are only on you. Take the rose colored glasses off sunshine and see where everyone is actually standing pushing and demanding  you to go the wrong direction, it isn’t me nor any of mine  so take a hard look at who is standing there.

 My granny said to me once “you just got to know when to say when”, like when cream is being poured into your coffee, you must say when it’s enough. We must learn in life to say “when” this is the makings of  a good start in imvestiing in your own happiness. There is not one person that can make you happy, it’s not their job, it’s your job so stop the whining and bitching, no one is actually listening to that boohockey anymore.  It’s an inside job and  it’s all you dear.

We can depend on everyone else  til the cows come home, I wouldn’t suggest that because other people’s motives don’t usually agree with our own, even if it kinda looks the same, it’s not. People are tricky bastards like that.  Decisions  still need to be made by the individual so  start making your own and stop letting others guide you amuck with their ulterior motives and delusional ideas.  They don’t have your best interest at heart, hoping someday you realize that shit Sherlock.

I get by with a little help….

Since my daddy has been so sick, my family has pulled ourselves tighter together as we have ever been.  We have all worked together here to be as supportive as we can for both my parents,  especially my Momma.  Us kids could possible worry ourselves silly or even crazy here over our parents.

They kept us at all at bay until they decided it was right and when that time came, it was not me standing with my brother or sister, it couldn’t be they don’t live here, I wasn’t standing with Troy either, he was watching the kids, it was just me and my mom.  I shit you not, I about passed out seeing him that first time!  I had to wear a mask so neither could see my bottom lip quivering. Only my eyes and they had a i of been as wide as saucers, like a 8 year old scared to death.  I stayed all of 5 minutes maybe and I was barely able to not sit right down in the hallway and bawl when I got out of that room.  In the elevator I felt sick to my stomach.  All the way to the car, I can’t remember if I spoke, I don’t remember.  I just wanted that car to drive and drive fast as it could away from there. Yes, I know I’m a baby, I accept that willingly, my parents are my rock, have been and always shall be.  These will be tough days, but as the kid who is standing there that day wanting to just crumble, I realize that just is not an option.  I can’t let it be.

A few months later, he is finally coming home.  He was there 2 months and is coming home extremely weak.  I say thank you from the bottom of my heart to Troy, he certainly did not have to go there everyday with me, no one enjoys visiting a damn hospital. The day it seemed everything was going wrong, that it all had fell apart in front of my eyes, he said nothing, he stood and listened as I sat like a child actually on the floor holding my fathers hand.  I had no words, neither did he when my father spoke.  Now that shit was just the hardest thing I have ever done, or attempted to do in my entire life.   At that moment, I had no idea what to do, what to say,  all I could muster was “I know, I know Dad”. What did I know?  Hell if I knew really.  I think Troy could have scooped me up like a baby right then,  I had no strengthin my knees to stand.  But it did get better, he did get somewhat better and is improving daily. To what extent will he get better, I have no idea at this moment we are rolling with the punches here.

Taking a hard look at it all, well I guess you gotta fall apart completely before you can put it back together.  You gotta tweak the bent puzzle pieces into anew reality of sorts, a new picture that resembles the old with some minor changes or major changes, whatever it takes.

That was our job right then, I think, try and make the house fit this situation that sucked.  Mom needed hardwood floors to maneuver his wheelchair, Troy laid the floor while I kind of helped  him and my mom organize whatever she needed done.  He stepped up for me and for my family in preparation for my dad to come home.  You have no idea how grateful I am, thank you .

I cannot relay the gratitude that we all have for all those who have helped my family in so many different ways.  I don’t know that we could of done this without all the support we have received!


It is a testament to the meaning of true friendship because so many absolutelly caring and loving friends that I have had  checking in on my family since this stressful time began, thank you all.   Despite the fact I live 1000 miles away from that place called home, so many of my dear friends sent emails,  texts and phone calls to check on how he was doing, how I was doing, from the bottom of my heart you just kept me afloat.  Troy and my children as well.  Alone sometimes we feel weak, but with all this support I did not feel that way.  Even when I had moments of feeling complete and udder weakness, there was someone there just saying “hello” ya’al drug me out of that weak place, again thank you so very much, I am eternally grateful and I do feel blessed to have all of you wonderful crazy people to call my friends, to call a part of my family.   Crazy you say?  Yep, all ya’al are, believe me I know, it takes one to know one!!

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